While most co-parents don’t have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), it is becoming increasingly common for co-parents to report narcissistic behaviours that make co-parenting extremely difficult.
In co-parenting, narcissistic behaviours can include constant conflict, a refusal to admit fault, lack of empathy, self-importance, gaslighting and entitlement.
Narcissistic behaviours come out in all types of communication between the co-parents. This often results in even the smallest communication escalating into an argument. The cycle of fighting and disagreements between co-parents has been correlated with the long-term outcomes of the children’s mental health, behaviour and their own relationships with others.
If you are dealing with a narcissistic behaviour in your co-parenting relationship, focus on the behaviours and not the label (even if it is accurate), the goal is to stop the behaviour that hurts you and your children.
It is extremely unlikely that you will be able to “fix” a narcissist but there are strategies that you can implement to co-parent successfully.
- Set and maintain clear boundaries
- Use written communication only (you may want to look into a parenting app) so that communications are documented.
- Clearly outline rules and boundaries and the consequences if they are broken.
- Stick to your Parenting Plan or Court Orders
- Rely only on your agreed or ordered parenting arrangements.
- If rules are ignored, document the breach and escalate legally if needed.
- Limit emotional engagement
- Keep communication strictly focused on the children.
- Don’t respond emotionally or engage in any personal or side issues, narcissists thrive on emotional reactions.
- Document behaviour
- Record texts, emails, missed pickups, boundary violations and odd behaviours.
- Store records securely for any potential legal use.
- Consider parallel parenting
- If the relationship is too toxic, minimise contact by using parenting apps or intermediaries.
- This can be used as a permanent or temporary options depending on the dynamics and situation.
While you are implementing those strategies, take some time to focus on the wellbeing of your child, as well as your own wellbeing.
There are some fantastic resources available to support you with you with dealing with a narcissist. Some fantastic books are “The Let Them Theory” by Mel Robbins and “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawwab.
If you are experiencing narcissistic abuse, domestic violence or separation abuse, reach out for support by calling 1800RESPECT or Lifeline on 13 11 14.
